Our Charming Reviewers




Name:
Shinerpunch

Tell us about yourself:
Exclamation points are horseshit. I get nervous in buildings with white walls, because it's infuriating when people don't take advantage of the canvas in front of them. My first tattoo was way more interesting than your first blog entry. This summer I'm getting my motorcycle license.

What are your qualifications?
Raging, blatant drunkards are basically the word titans of every generation, and I drink harder than you. Oh, and I'm a big damn hero.

What are some favorites?
I would say "travel" but it's just fucking cliche. Let's go with karaoke, mockery, saving lives, Van fucking Halen, Haroun and the Sea of Stories, Lord Dunsany, drunk blogging, making bad decisions, and claiming I'll get my motorcycle license.

Any last words?
When in doubt, be shiny.





Name:
Madame Bellicose

Tell us about yourself:
I'm 50% desert denizen, 50% Eurotrash, 100% headmistress extraordinaire, thwarter of blogging ineptitude.

What are your qualifications?
I wrote my M.Ed. thesis on creative forms of humiliation in the classroom. I also have a nervous tic causing me to make involuntary stabbing motions with my red pen whenever I see cluttered sidebars, grammatical eyesores and cockeyed paragraph transitions.

What are some favorites?
Bubble baths, gimp hunting, board games, cuddling, tying the school custodian to the flag pole, margaritas with lots of salt, anal vengeance, besotted time travel, corporal punishment, Seinfeld, Bob Dylan, curling up by a fire with anything by Steinbeck, Vonnegut or Ian McEwan.

Any last words?
Why did you have to go and soil yourself?




Name:
Scorpio Woperchild

Tell us about yourself:
Conceived in a gypsy caravan in Romania, spent the better part of my childhood travelling with the circus, shoveling up after gastrointestinally distressed elephants. Taught myself English watching old Gomer Pyle, USMC re-runs. Ran away from the circus to join the CIA. Currently in the witness protection program, not for any other reason than I’ve always wanted to try it.

What are your qualifications?
I’m fucking brilliant. In a Rain Man sort of way.

What are some favorites?
That has to be the stupidest, most poorly-worded question I have ever heard.

(Addendum from Shinerpunch the Editor: I considered deleting this question altogether, and decided this point was supervalid and should remain posted as proof of Scorpio's grammatical dexterity)

Any last words?
“Who greased the vine?!” - Tarzan




Name:
Johnny Raptor.

Tell us about yourself:
I take myself very seriously. I'm on Facebook.

What are your qualifications?
I'm a cold blooded reptile with motherfuckin' claws. Sorry, what was the question?

What are some favorites?
Scotch, trivia, post-rock, Bill Hicks and George Carlin. Because every list should include Carlin.

Any last words?
Last one, I swear!





Name:
Shagnasty

Tell us about yourself:
I am chock full of bewitchery and witchcraft. From all across the land, alchemists, voodoo priestesses and medicine women make pilgrimages to learn at my feet.

What are your qualification?
See above. Also, I can write real good.

What are some favorites?
Speaking in accents, rubbernecking at bar fights, sci-fi television, asteism, road rage, Tudor England, chain smoking, and one Mr. William Martin Joel, in a completely non hipster-ironic sense.

Any last words?
I'm so good with my stiletto, you don't really mind the pain.


Creative Euphemisms for Sucking


What We Think of Them
I Fucking Love You
4 Stars
3 Stars
2 Stars
1 Star


Crazy Shit We Think About Your Blog
Abercrombie Wearing Blog Poseurs
All the Cool Girls are Lesbians
the anti-humour
as tight as my dead granny's snatch
Bloggers Who Belong on Myspace
blogs I want to fuck
Buy a Vowel
Can I go outside and play now?
Canuckistanians
Close But No Cigar
C'mon man, what the fuck?
Coma-Inducing Snoozefests
Cool Moms
Die in a Flaming Finger Inferno
Doing it wrong
dude you're a dick
for fuck's sake, what were you thinking?
Fuck Off and Die
fugly templates from hell
Genital Sores
Get Your Tongue Out of My Mouth, I'm Kissing You Goodbye
gimp orgies
Guest Reviewer
Have a Lolly
hen parties
Hideous Template of Doom
I'm Not Always a Bitch
Indian Emo Kids
I Want a Dildo On My Head
meh-diocre
Mommyblogs from Hell
Money-Grubbing Whores
my vagina is depressed
not my cuppa
pap smears
Pepto Bismal Pink
poets who cut themselves to take away the sadness
Quote of the Week
rat poisen
Re-Reviews
Short Bus
shut up, science is sexy
What's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this?
when mommyblogs attack
whiny little bitches
Widget orgy
You can't just give me the tip.
you know you want my flaming fingers
You need a spanking


Reviewers
Shinerpunch
Forcemeat the Clown (rtd)
Madame Bellicose
Scorpio Woperchild


Freaky Guest Reviewers
Ellie
Keywork
Rassles
Charlotte Sometimes
Praying to Darwin
Immoral Matriarch
Miss Britt


The Olden Days (Former Reviewers)
Love Bites
Miss Missives
Calamity
Father Gene
Nutjobber
Professor Booty
Queen Mutha
Atomic Fireballs
Bitter Mistress

Ranked


(scroll down, Blogger hates my tables for some reason)


























Our scale of terrific-ness. You can get from one to four stars of finger bangin’ love.
Our scale of fucking die. You may receive a hunk of burning hate that ranges from from the slight tingle of a single finger to four fingers burning you at the stake. For shame, you asshole!
We meant to rate you, really we did, but we fell asleep reading your shit. zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. snore.
You blog, therefore you’re introspective and cool. You’re cultured and worldly and you obviously have every right to besmirch the web with your crap. Uh, not really, poseur.
If you need this explained, well, get the fuck on board and we’ll give you your helmet shortly.
Four stars couldn’t do you justice! You rock it like a hurricane, and if you’re single, we’d love to do you doggy style. Rawr!
Move away from the keyboard, slowly, and no one will get hurt.

Frequently Asked Questions


What in the hell are you doing?

This is our own self-imposed quixotic quest to improve the quality of the blogosphere. It is our goal to give bloggers solid, helpful feedback on their blogs. We don't mean to make you cry, really we don't, although we do love to deliver a well-placed and timely spanking. It is all for your benefit, though, we promise. Think of us as the most benevolent dominatrixes you have ever encountered, with really great boots and a thin whippy riding crop. We want to help you help yourself. We want to make you better, not bitter. We want you (well, some of you) to succeed. We are hopeless blog-addicts, and it amuses the bejeezus out of us to find good new blogs. Seriously. So, try not to suck.

Who are you?

The reviewers here have all blogged for a number of years. We write. We have rockin' templates. We've been reviewed (some nice, some scathing). We've learned a lot.

What gives you assholes the right to do this?

You do.

Do you have any hard/fast blog rules?

Yes. Here are a few:

1. Title it.
2. Keep the same font throughout the blog.
3. Post on a regular basis (at least once a week).
4. Give some introductory background of who you are and what you are doing so I don't have to read for an hour to figure that shit out.
5. NO AUTOPLAY MUSIC. NEVER, EVER, EVER. UGH.
6. Get a template/layout that makes it easier for people to figure out what the hell you are doing.
7. Write your ass off. When it comes right down to it, the blogs we like are all about the writing. Our favorite bloggers lay their guts on the line, they make us spew coffee on our monitors, they shock us, they are sometimes the trainwreck that causes us to hit the rear end of the vehicle in front of us. Just, WRITE.

Where can I get a cool, shiny new template?

Here are a few places to start:

Gecko and Fly
Suck My Lolly
Mashup
Pyzam
Lemonade Designs
Final Sense
Blogger Templates
Free Blogspot Templates
The Style Contest
Carl Galloway

How to Blog, by Tony Pierce (busblog)

More tips from a recent post.

Feeling brave? Submit.

Submit Your Blog


STOP. Have you read our FAQ? If you haven't read it, I'll wait. Go read it now.

Okay. Having read the FAQ, you need to realize that if you now subsequently submit your shitty-assed blog to our site, with its ugly black letters on top of a pea-green background, we are going to rip you a new hole to shit through. I'm not joking here. You will get reamed. It's a promise. After the reaming, you will be redirected to the FAQ. You know, the one you should have read BEFORE submitting.

At present, it is taking up to 3 months...yes, you heard me correctly...3 FUCKING MONTHS...for us to get through the reviews in our little queue. So, we will get to your review when we get to it. We review 3-4 blogs per week, on a first-come, first-served basis, and that's as fast as we're willing to go.

By submitting your blog here, you are giving us your permission to love, hate, loathe, despise, cherish, or feel ambivalent towards your blog. Blogs are personal, and thus, we also may not much like YOU. By submitting your blog here, you are opening yourself up for any and all criticism we may decide to dish out. Be aware of this, and don't act like a whiny pansy-assed bitch.

Beyond that, if you have autoplay music...if you speak constantly in text...if you make us look at advertising...we will punch you in the box/testes. In fact, the odds are good that you will be spanked, anyway. Please be aware of this before you submit, put on your big girl panties and be prepared to take it like a big person. Because...seriously? We hate crybabies, and we mock them unmercifully.

That is all. You've been warned.




DISCLAIMER:

This is a legal disclaimer. Y'all are some litigious assholes, so it's one of those necessary evils. Please read it thoroughly before you decide to sick an attorney on us, and be forewarned that one of us is an attorney so your petty bullshit and small time claims aren't going to fly because we know full well you won't get anything other than a laugh from any self-respecting attorney to whom you bring the issue of "they defamed me and my blog."

By Clicking "Submit" you are implicitly agreeing to the following:

Disclaimer-In General:

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