Our Charming Reviewers




Name:
Shinerpunch

Tell us about yourself:
Exclamation points are horseshit. I get nervous in buildings with white walls, because it's infuriating when people don't take advantage of the canvas in front of them. My first tattoo was way more interesting than your first blog entry. This summer I'm getting my motorcycle license.

What are your qualifications?
Raging, blatant drunkards are basically the word titans of every generation, and I drink harder than you. Oh, and I'm a big damn hero.

What are some favorites?
I would say "travel" but it's just fucking cliche. Let's go with karaoke, mockery, saving lives, Van fucking Halen, Haroun and the Sea of Stories, Lord Dunsany, drunk blogging, making bad decisions, and claiming I'll get my motorcycle license.

Any last words?
When in doubt, be shiny.





Name:
Madame Bellicose

Tell us about yourself:
I'm 50% desert denizen, 50% Eurotrash, 100% headmistress extraordinaire, thwarter of blogging ineptitude.

What are your qualifications?
I wrote my M.Ed. thesis on creative forms of humiliation in the classroom. I also have a nervous tic causing me to make involuntary stabbing motions with my red pen whenever I see cluttered sidebars, grammatical eyesores and cockeyed paragraph transitions.

What are some favorites?
Bubble baths, gimp hunting, board games, cuddling, tying the school custodian to the flag pole, margaritas with lots of salt, anal vengeance, besotted time travel, corporal punishment, Seinfeld, Bob Dylan, curling up by a fire with anything by Steinbeck, Vonnegut or Ian McEwan.

Any last words?
Why did you have to go and soil yourself?




Name:
Scorpio Woperchild

Tell us about yourself:
Conceived in a gypsy caravan in Romania, spent the better part of my childhood travelling with the circus, shoveling up after gastrointestinally distressed elephants. Taught myself English watching old Gomer Pyle, USMC re-runs. Ran away from the circus to join the CIA. Currently in the witness protection program, not for any other reason than I’ve always wanted to try it.

What are your qualifications?
I’m fucking brilliant. In a Rain Man sort of way.

What are some favorites?
That has to be the stupidest, most poorly-worded question I have ever heard.

(Addendum from Shinerpunch the Editor: I considered deleting this question altogether, and decided this point was supervalid and should remain posted as proof of Scorpio's grammatical dexterity)

Any last words?
“Who greased the vine?!” - Tarzan




Name:
Johnny Raptor.

Tell us about yourself:
I take myself very seriously. I'm on Facebook.

What are your qualifications?
I'm a cold blooded reptile with motherfuckin' claws. Sorry, what was the question?

What are some favorites?
Scotch, trivia, post-rock, Bill Hicks and George Carlin. Because every list should include Carlin.

Any last words?
Last one, I swear!





Name:
Shagnasty

Tell us about yourself:
I am chock full of bewitchery and witchcraft. From all across the land, alchemists, voodoo priestesses and medicine women make pilgrimages to learn at my feet.

What are your qualification?
See above. Also, I can write real good.

What are some favorites?
Speaking in accents, rubbernecking at bar fights, sci-fi television, asteism, road rage, Tudor England, chain smoking, and one Mr. William Martin Joel, in a completely non hipster-ironic sense.

Any last words?
I'm so good with my stiletto, you don't really mind the pain.